I need that mounted squirrel head

I have never know anyone that has purchased something from the Sky Mall magazine. I fly a lot and it never fails that after I carefully examine the Passenger Safety card (see previous blog post) I have to flip through Sky Mall to see if there is something I cannot live without. Nope. 

Here are some highlights from the Summer 2013 catalog. 

The only way this toothbrush could be worse is if they upload a couple of speeches from Stalin and Hitler or the opening monologue from Chevy Chase's short-lived talk show. 

Never once have I thought "man I wish my eggs were in a different shape. Someone needs to make an egg toaster!"  This is coming from someone who just learned how to make eggs when he turned 40. 

Watches with faces are so passé. Ask any real gentleman. 

I don't care how you present that ugly ass lamp, nobody is buying it on eBay. Save your $199 and call Purple Heart. 

Yeah, it is time to put that dog down. You will thank me when it loses control of it's bowels on your bed. 

I remember when my wife told me that she was going to make some improvements to the garage - said no man ever. 

Oh good, it is water repellant. Maybe you can get a 2-for-1 on those dog euthanasia visits.  Then again, the dog in this picture may already be dead. 

 

So let me understand, I have to find where I put the remote and then hold it 6 inches from the light (sorry, GOLD light)? This seems much easier than a switch. 

And say "goodnight" to another sexless night. 

Maybe I am being too harsh. I should give this Sky Mall a chance.

I really would rather not say anything about this page. It is just too uncomfortable. 

If this thing was 6 foot tall it would be very appealing but more than 8 feet tall?  Pass. I like my fantasy lamps to be life size. 

Speaking of life size. This bad boy is an affordable $2,500 and according to the magazine it will help your guests admire your garden (or scare the shit out of them). 

I am not going to lie. If I was single I would buy this. It reminds me of every I Dream of Jeannie episode when the boss would come over for a scotch. I would put this next to my 8 foot lady lamp. 

Genius!  The kidnappers in Mexico City won't find your wallet until they dump your dead and naked body in a ditch. 

Yeah I hope your 42 cats enjoy this sleep shirt.  

If guys want to pool your money together and get this for me it is only $25. I figure that if all of my blog readers split this evenly you would each owe $12.50. 

Thanks!

Read the Phonebook

This week I was reminded that people with English accents sound smarter, more funny and dare I say more charming than those of us with the run-of-the-mill North American accent. I once had a client tell an English-accented co-worker that they could listen to him read the entire phone book.  

My first reminder was when Russell Brand completely destroyed the morning news crew on MSNBC. Brand looks disheveled (for transparency, before I looked up how to spell "disheveled" I thought it was "bisheveled". I undoubtedly have said that before. Anyway...) and acts crudely. However he sounded absolutely brilliant as he mocked the news crew for their lack of professionalism (see below link)

http://youtu.be/ADJhErmJuoQ

My second experience was at a training class I attended in Toronto. I was teamed up with 3 other people for the two day seminar. One of the attendants was from London. Putting a Texan and a Brit at the same table made for some serious comprehension issues. I even had to apologize that English was my second language as he had to tell me his job title 6 times before I could understand him (Media Trader). He was one second away from doing one of those loud over exaggerated pronunciations with hand movements.  

What I noticed is that everyone hung on his every word. The instructor deferred to him, one woman let very crude comments slide without even a glance of disapproval and the men thought his stories were awesome. They were by the way. He told one story about going on a jolly (like a boondoggle) to Vegas with a very wealthy friend that had wired $500k to the casino for their play money. There were tales of $10,000 bottles of Cristal, a $185,000 bar tab and making it rain at Crazy Horse. 

He was even wearing the $30,000 watch that he bought after winning at the blackjack tables. 

If I told that story everyone would have called bullshit, but when he told it we laughed our asses off thinking that he must be the most fun guy in the world to hang out with. 

He even got away with cussing in a formal business setting... A lot. He would mix in "bloody fuck" like he learned it in grade school (example:  How the bloody fuck are we supposed to calculate the profit margin if we don't have visibility to the direct costs mate?).  People either couldn't understand him or they simply didn't care. Either way it was fascinating. 

On the other hand, my Texas accent (slight) seems to draw the opposite reaction. People don't expect me to be smart or even be able to complete a sentence (thanks W). Even my instructor tried to poke fun at me for how she assumed I would pronounce the word "creek". I told her, "I reckoned you are right, ma'am..."

Are you ever swayed by accents (good or bad)?  Leave me a bloody F'ing comment. 

Summer Casual

It is that time of year again in Houston, Texas. No, I am not talking about school being out for summer and having to contemplate how the teachers tolerated your kids for 7 hours a day (without drinking... Heavily). 

 

I am talking about Summer Casual. You see, it is so miserable in Houston that we don't just get to enjoy your regular Casual Friday attire. We get to enjoy "Summer" Casual 5 days a week. 

It is with the best intentions that this policy was put in place. And like every good policy there are published guidelines to follow. These include common sense items like:

(1) clothes and footwear being clean

(2) in good repair

(3) in good taste, 

(4) not to be revealing 

(5) not to be sloppy, disheveled, or distasteful

The problem is that even with these guidelines it leaves room for interpretation. 

Every year most people start with the best intentions and either get lazy or simply defeated by the Houston heat. Other people simply have a different interpretation of "clean" or "distasteful". 

The worst part of Summer Casual for me is the open toe policy. It is no secret that I hate feet. The only feet I hate worse than mine are yours. Specifically I don't want to see your toes. Ever. 

And no, those are not my feet. I stole this picture from the Internet and I DO NOT recommend that you Google "nasty feet".   Just leave it alone. Trust me. 

So before you put on that Summer Casual outfit consisting of jorts, open-toed sandals and a t-shirt with mating unicorns (you are welcome) stop and ask yourself...

... Should I wear my green pants instead?

TMI

People I don't know tend to over share personal details with me. The most recent example occurred this week when a guy (I really can't remember his name) let me know that:

1. He has 4 kids

2. One is from an early relationship when he was a teenager. 

3. His wife has had multiple c-sections. 

4. His wife has a thin uterus wall, thus preventing her from having more kids. 

To be clear, there was no discussion on kids or uteruses prior to this conversation. As a matter if fact, I was quietly enjoying my lunch when he overwhelmed me with visions of his wife's baby oven. 

This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I used to pick up random carpoolers at the Metro bus stop so I could take the HOV lane into downtown Houston. STOP. Read that again: 

I used to pick up random carpoolers at the Metro bus stop so I could take the HOV lane into downtown Houston. 

I can't believe I ever thought this was a good idea. That alone should let you know how horrific traffic is on Highway 290. 

One more side note:  Should we be shocked that Kai the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker is a possible murderer?  We gave him positive feedback and late night fame for killing a guy with a hatchet! I digress...

Anyway, people would get in my car and no sooner than reaching a comfortable cruising speed I would learn about their marital problems, miscarriages and financial woes. 

Maybe people are just desperate to talk. Maybe my large ears make them subconsciously think I am a good listener. Maybe people are crazy. 

I can't be alone here. Have you ever been the victim of an over-sharer?  Please, over share. 

Passenger Safety

I am not a big fan of public speaking, but when I have to speak in front of people I am finely tuned into my audience's level of interest and attention. It is disheartening when someone clearly isn't interested in what you are saying. That is why I at least try to feign interest when the flight attendants walk through their safety speech despite the fact that I have it memorized and could take over at a moment's notice. 

This led me to actually open the Passenger Safety pamphlet and there is some amazing content within. 

One thing I learned is that if you look out the window and see a cloud, a campfire, or a broken unicorn figurine you should not open the door. 

I love how calm all these people are. This lady (in a smart pink dress) calmly stands up to remove her seat cushion and then hugs it in the open sea with a shit eating grin on her face. I bet she sat in United Economy Plus without paying for it and now she will get away with it since the plane is at the bottom of the ocean. 

Before we get too far I want to remind you, no remote control cars or phones from 1989 are allowed in flight. Oops, sorry this picture is from this weekend's Radio Shack advertisement. 

The three most depressing words in the human language:  infant life vest. Yeah, these aren't going to work. We know this right?  

Again, at this point the plane is either in a death spiral or has already made a water "landing" and yet this lady is sizing up the kid like she is in Baby Gap. 

I like how this mom is giving her last breath to assure her kid will be floating shark chum. Sweet. The night light (and hypothermia) should help him fall asleep before his legs are gone.  

Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye. 

I love how all the women wear skirts/dresses. The men must be in first class. By the way, is this kid 6?  12?  Emmanuel Lewis? 

Ahh, yes. There is dad. He is alone in first class wearing his son's tie. 

These are my favorite photos for a couple of reasons: (1) the plane apparently made a nice soft landing in a beautiful green field. That looks better than some of the landings I have made at major airports (2) I love the guys hauling ass from the plane. I make no bones about it that this would be me. I would kick people in the back of the head to get away from the plane. Oh, and what is up with that Jezebel in the pant suit?  She probably caused the crash landing.  

Have you ever learned anything from the safety announcements or pamphlet?  If so, please share. 

CSI Terminal B

Flying on Sunday is as fun as drinking non-alcoholic beer at a BBQ hosted by vegetarians. 

I have mixed emotions as I walk through Terminal B this evening. Tomorrow morning they open a new, clean terminal with updated restaurant choices and bright interior finishes. It is such a big deal that they have HPD behind barriers to hold back the wayward passengers looking for an alternative to Chili's Too. 

I share a bond with my fellow travelers that I am not sure will survive the new terminal. We bond over the odd smell, lack of sufficient climate control (see odd smell) and disgusting carpet stains. I am pretty sure every disease and bodily fluid on earth resides in these fibers. 

When I see people sitting on these floors I quietly say a prayer for them and ask that their families take comfort in the fact that they used their final moments on earth sitting next to a plug charging their mobile phone. 

The good news?  The people won't change. It reminds me of the saying "putting lipstick on a pig". That is how I see this new terminal. Bright, shiny and new can't take away the hoards of disgusting, rude and socially irresponsible people (and livestock?) that pass through these halls.  It is like our own Ellis Island - only the passage is from Houston to small towns all over the US. 

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to get the hell out of here."

40 Things to do When I am 40

As I previously mentioned, I made a bucket list of sorts when I was approaching 40.  Everyone likes lists and I thought this was a good idea to capture some things I wanted to accomplish in my life. My progress to-date has been nothing short of pathetic.   Actually, as I transcribed the list, I realized what a horrible idea this was.  In the short time that has passed since, I have already forgot why I thought many of these things sounded like a good idea.  To take it further, a lot of them feel like chores.  I won't bore you with the entire list, but some of the highlights are below:

4.  Get a Physical - Everyone in my family dies of cancer.  I guess I better visit Dr Jellyfinger.

5.  Run at least 4 marathons - I ran one in a personal worst 5 hours.  It sucked.  I hate training.  I think I have a better chance of going on a second date with Dr Jellyfinger.
 

16.  Wear shorts and sandals at least 183 days - I knocked this one out of the park.  This may be the one goal I actually accomplished.  I have a badge of honor on my feet – a tan line from my flip flops.  I was so proud of it I showed my client.  I am not sure they were equally impressed.

 

18.   Take a picture of at least one of my family members daily - Fail.  I take more pictures of complete strangers in the airport.  I do ask my wife to send me naked pictures but that hasn’t worked out so well either.
 

20.    Take a class - I am pretty sure I can’t learn anymore.  If you don't count things I picked up on ESPN or HGTV, I haven't learned anything new in about 15 years.  This seems futile.

21.   Seek out a mentor - I really don’t even like people so this seems like a bad idea. I don’t think I can fake interest in learning from someone else’s success.  I am bitter.
 

28.    Cook at least 2 meals per month - pfft… I have been married to my wife for almost 19 years.  I have cooked maybe 3 times and that includes hot dogs and spaghetti.  I am going to pretend like this one never existed.
 

31.   Have sex in a location other than bedroom at least 1 time per month - If this includes sex by myself then I am doing pretty good here.  Maybe if I was more successful at #28 this one would have more potential.
 

33.  Volunteer at my kids’ school at least 2 days - and shoot myself with a nail gun.  I love my kids.  I don’t love 300 other kids that aren’t mine.  I actually did volunteer one day and it was the most exhausting things I ever did.  I got home at 3:30pm and went straight to bed.  In my opinion summers are not long enough for teachers to "recover".
 

36.     Go to the dentist and eye doctor for regular check-ups - This goes along with #4.  I suck at actually taking care of myself. I actually wear my daily contacts until my eyes bleed.  I think I am on the same box I was prescribed in 2009.  I did give myself a "self-check" on the kitchen counter the other day (see #31).
 

38.  Work away from the office at least 60% of the time - Done.  I hate the office.  Alief and the hum from circling HPD helicopters is soothing.  Here is the view from my office.

 

 

So I have learned my lesson - no more lists.  Well maybe one more:
 

1. Win PowerBall tonight - This is a blog in itself but for anyone that says money can't buy you happiness likely doesn't have money. 

 

By the way, I hit the road Sunday night.  I hate traveling for work on Sunday, so I will be extra bitter and on the lookout for people that annoy me.  Enjoy.