Summer Casual

It is that time of year again in Houston, Texas. No, I am not talking about school being out for summer and having to contemplate how the teachers tolerated your kids for 7 hours a day (without drinking... Heavily). 

 

I am talking about Summer Casual. You see, it is so miserable in Houston that we don't just get to enjoy your regular Casual Friday attire. We get to enjoy "Summer" Casual 5 days a week. 

It is with the best intentions that this policy was put in place. And like every good policy there are published guidelines to follow. These include common sense items like:

(1) clothes and footwear being clean

(2) in good repair

(3) in good taste, 

(4) not to be revealing 

(5) not to be sloppy, disheveled, or distasteful

The problem is that even with these guidelines it leaves room for interpretation. 

Every year most people start with the best intentions and either get lazy or simply defeated by the Houston heat. Other people simply have a different interpretation of "clean" or "distasteful". 

The worst part of Summer Casual for me is the open toe policy. It is no secret that I hate feet. The only feet I hate worse than mine are yours. Specifically I don't want to see your toes. Ever. 

And no, those are not my feet. I stole this picture from the Internet and I DO NOT recommend that you Google "nasty feet".   Just leave it alone. Trust me. 

So before you put on that Summer Casual outfit consisting of jorts, open-toed sandals and a t-shirt with mating unicorns (you are welcome) stop and ask yourself...

... Should I wear my green pants instead?

TMI

People I don't know tend to over share personal details with me. The most recent example occurred this week when a guy (I really can't remember his name) let me know that:

1. He has 4 kids

2. One is from an early relationship when he was a teenager. 

3. His wife has had multiple c-sections. 

4. His wife has a thin uterus wall, thus preventing her from having more kids. 

To be clear, there was no discussion on kids or uteruses prior to this conversation. As a matter if fact, I was quietly enjoying my lunch when he overwhelmed me with visions of his wife's baby oven. 

This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I used to pick up random carpoolers at the Metro bus stop so I could take the HOV lane into downtown Houston. STOP. Read that again: 

I used to pick up random carpoolers at the Metro bus stop so I could take the HOV lane into downtown Houston. 

I can't believe I ever thought this was a good idea. That alone should let you know how horrific traffic is on Highway 290. 

One more side note:  Should we be shocked that Kai the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker is a possible murderer?  We gave him positive feedback and late night fame for killing a guy with a hatchet! I digress...

Anyway, people would get in my car and no sooner than reaching a comfortable cruising speed I would learn about their marital problems, miscarriages and financial woes. 

Maybe people are just desperate to talk. Maybe my large ears make them subconsciously think I am a good listener. Maybe people are crazy. 

I can't be alone here. Have you ever been the victim of an over-sharer?  Please, over share. 

Passenger Safety

I am not a big fan of public speaking, but when I have to speak in front of people I am finely tuned into my audience's level of interest and attention. It is disheartening when someone clearly isn't interested in what you are saying. That is why I at least try to feign interest when the flight attendants walk through their safety speech despite the fact that I have it memorized and could take over at a moment's notice. 

This led me to actually open the Passenger Safety pamphlet and there is some amazing content within. 

One thing I learned is that if you look out the window and see a cloud, a campfire, or a broken unicorn figurine you should not open the door. 

I love how calm all these people are. This lady (in a smart pink dress) calmly stands up to remove her seat cushion and then hugs it in the open sea with a shit eating grin on her face. I bet she sat in United Economy Plus without paying for it and now she will get away with it since the plane is at the bottom of the ocean. 

Before we get too far I want to remind you, no remote control cars or phones from 1989 are allowed in flight. Oops, sorry this picture is from this weekend's Radio Shack advertisement. 

The three most depressing words in the human language:  infant life vest. Yeah, these aren't going to work. We know this right?  

Again, at this point the plane is either in a death spiral or has already made a water "landing" and yet this lady is sizing up the kid like she is in Baby Gap. 

I like how this mom is giving her last breath to assure her kid will be floating shark chum. Sweet. The night light (and hypothermia) should help him fall asleep before his legs are gone.  

Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye. 

I love how all the women wear skirts/dresses. The men must be in first class. By the way, is this kid 6?  12?  Emmanuel Lewis? 

Ahh, yes. There is dad. He is alone in first class wearing his son's tie. 

These are my favorite photos for a couple of reasons: (1) the plane apparently made a nice soft landing in a beautiful green field. That looks better than some of the landings I have made at major airports (2) I love the guys hauling ass from the plane. I make no bones about it that this would be me. I would kick people in the back of the head to get away from the plane. Oh, and what is up with that Jezebel in the pant suit?  She probably caused the crash landing.  

Have you ever learned anything from the safety announcements or pamphlet?  If so, please share. 

CSI Terminal B

Flying on Sunday is as fun as drinking non-alcoholic beer at a BBQ hosted by vegetarians. 

I have mixed emotions as I walk through Terminal B this evening. Tomorrow morning they open a new, clean terminal with updated restaurant choices and bright interior finishes. It is such a big deal that they have HPD behind barriers to hold back the wayward passengers looking for an alternative to Chili's Too. 

I share a bond with my fellow travelers that I am not sure will survive the new terminal. We bond over the odd smell, lack of sufficient climate control (see odd smell) and disgusting carpet stains. I am pretty sure every disease and bodily fluid on earth resides in these fibers. 

When I see people sitting on these floors I quietly say a prayer for them and ask that their families take comfort in the fact that they used their final moments on earth sitting next to a plug charging their mobile phone. 

The good news?  The people won't change. It reminds me of the saying "putting lipstick on a pig". That is how I see this new terminal. Bright, shiny and new can't take away the hoards of disgusting, rude and socially irresponsible people (and livestock?) that pass through these halls.  It is like our own Ellis Island - only the passage is from Houston to small towns all over the US. 

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to get the hell out of here."

40 Things to do When I am 40

As I previously mentioned, I made a bucket list of sorts when I was approaching 40.  Everyone likes lists and I thought this was a good idea to capture some things I wanted to accomplish in my life. My progress to-date has been nothing short of pathetic.   Actually, as I transcribed the list, I realized what a horrible idea this was.  In the short time that has passed since, I have already forgot why I thought many of these things sounded like a good idea.  To take it further, a lot of them feel like chores.  I won't bore you with the entire list, but some of the highlights are below:

4.  Get a Physical - Everyone in my family dies of cancer.  I guess I better visit Dr Jellyfinger.

5.  Run at least 4 marathons - I ran one in a personal worst 5 hours.  It sucked.  I hate training.  I think I have a better chance of going on a second date with Dr Jellyfinger.
 

16.  Wear shorts and sandals at least 183 days - I knocked this one out of the park.  This may be the one goal I actually accomplished.  I have a badge of honor on my feet – a tan line from my flip flops.  I was so proud of it I showed my client.  I am not sure they were equally impressed.

 

18.   Take a picture of at least one of my family members daily - Fail.  I take more pictures of complete strangers in the airport.  I do ask my wife to send me naked pictures but that hasn’t worked out so well either.
 

20.    Take a class - I am pretty sure I can’t learn anymore.  If you don't count things I picked up on ESPN or HGTV, I haven't learned anything new in about 15 years.  This seems futile.

21.   Seek out a mentor - I really don’t even like people so this seems like a bad idea. I don’t think I can fake interest in learning from someone else’s success.  I am bitter.
 

28.    Cook at least 2 meals per month - pfft… I have been married to my wife for almost 19 years.  I have cooked maybe 3 times and that includes hot dogs and spaghetti.  I am going to pretend like this one never existed.
 

31.   Have sex in a location other than bedroom at least 1 time per month - If this includes sex by myself then I am doing pretty good here.  Maybe if I was more successful at #28 this one would have more potential.
 

33.  Volunteer at my kids’ school at least 2 days - and shoot myself with a nail gun.  I love my kids.  I don’t love 300 other kids that aren’t mine.  I actually did volunteer one day and it was the most exhausting things I ever did.  I got home at 3:30pm and went straight to bed.  In my opinion summers are not long enough for teachers to "recover".
 

36.     Go to the dentist and eye doctor for regular check-ups - This goes along with #4.  I suck at actually taking care of myself. I actually wear my daily contacts until my eyes bleed.  I think I am on the same box I was prescribed in 2009.  I did give myself a "self-check" on the kitchen counter the other day (see #31).
 

38.  Work away from the office at least 60% of the time - Done.  I hate the office.  Alief and the hum from circling HPD helicopters is soothing.  Here is the view from my office.

 

 

So I have learned my lesson - no more lists.  Well maybe one more:
 

1. Win PowerBall tonight - This is a blog in itself but for anyone that says money can't buy you happiness likely doesn't have money. 

 

By the way, I hit the road Sunday night.  I hate traveling for work on Sunday, so I will be extra bitter and on the lookout for people that annoy me.  Enjoy.

 

 

Hello World

I really have no business trying to write a blog since my only experience with writing is a few short poems I was coerced to write in the 4^th grade.  I recently found that collection of poems in a box in the attic and I my subjects were a dead rabbit, a snake trying to strike it’s keeper through a glass wall, and the death of a grandmother (not mine since both were still alive and kicking at the time they were written).  I have no idea what horrible childhood experiences I suppressed that caused me to write these things, but I don’t have the time, money or interest to find out. 

I have a number of motivations for writing this blog.  First, when I turned 40 (plenty more on that later).  I wrote a bucket list of things I wanted to do in the 365 days to follow. Writing a book was one of those items.  That was almost 2 years ago and I am 2 paragraphs into a blog.  That pretty much sums up my 40's so far...  Second, I picked up a book in an airport written by a comedian that received positive reviews.  The book started out funny (I was driven to tears at one point) but then quickly dissolved into stories of depression and shitting his pants numerous times, even into adulthood.  I thought that book really sucked and felt I could do better.   Finally, I travel a lot.  I see a lot of people and strange situations.  I started capturing these things on my Facebook statuses and received some positive feedback on my dry, sarcastic and sometime cruel humor.  It made me regret that I didn't have more Facebook friends (or real friends for that matter) to entertain.

So here it goes.  If you recognize yourself in this blog please don’t take it personally.  I am probably making fun of you all the time. This is just the first time I am writing it down.  For example, my friends Sean and Dane posed for a picture recently and posted it on Facebook.  I had a lot of inappropriate thoughts about the picture, but one I shared was how they looked like the conjoined twins from the Guinness Book of World Records.  I then obsessed whether it was politically correct to use the term Siamese Twins.  I didn't care so much that Sean and Dane were playing grab ass.  That is pretty much how my brain works all the time.  I see things in every day activities that perhaps most people would just ignore.  I use them as opportunities to make fun others (and myself).

Whether you like or hate this blog, check back (and share) often.  I will try to keep my posts light and brief (something more than 140 words and less than 14,000).